VALUE

We all want to feel significant. We all want to feel important. The problem is we too often look in the wrong places for that validation. I too often hang my self worth on the opinion of one person. And that one person... never values me like I want them to. So I feel like a completely unwanted loser because ONE person doesn't think I'm great. And I ignore all the people who tell me and show... me on a daily basis that they love me and value me more than anything. How crazy is that?

I made a commitment to value myself more. To value what God made. This week it has been totally put to the test. And guess what. I failed. I let Satan beat me with baggage from the past. I let him tell me that someone I care about saw me differently because of my past, saw me as tainted. And I honestly don't know even now if they do or not. But it doesn't matter. God doesn't see me that way.

What he tells me, over and over is that I am precious to him. I have a place and purpose. And he has a plan for me. I am significant. And I am important. And I am not giving up on my commitment. I will learn to value myself.

Thank you my friends and family who show me daily I am loved. I am valued. I am enough. I love you all. More than I could ever tell you.

True Friend

Nobody always acts the way you want them to. Everyone hurts you somehow. We've all acted in a way we wished we hadn't. You just have to decide who is worth it. Who do you want to be associated with even after they've just been human and hurt you?

Not everyone that calls you friend is one. Not everyone that says they love you does. It's a well used phrase but it IS true... Actions speak lou...der than words. I am thankful for a friend this afternoon that SHOWED me he was one. And he even helped me have compassion for a person who hurt me.

The good news is there are people who are worth it. There are people, that while they may hurt you, are still worth your love and affection. It's not always clear which is which. That's when you have to convince your heart and brain to work together and discern the truth. Don't just swallow pretty lies. And don't condemn actions without taking into account we are all human. We all fall short. Daily!

Dig deep and find your true friends. And keep them for life!

Frustration

Nothing wears down a soul like frustration. Longing for something and feeling like there's nothing you can do to obtain it. Patience will only get you so far. Faith, just a wee bit farther. But sometimes you've depleted all of that and you just feel... frustrated... angry... maybe a little bitter.

What I am trying to do in my own current frustrated situation is to remember the promises of my Creator. To remember everything happens in his good time. To remember He never gave up on me and he had every reason to. I have no reason to give up on God or disbelieve his word. He has always done what he said he would do.

I can't change my circumstances but I can change my attitude!

Do you hear me?

To the voice crying alone in the night. I know not where you come from. But I hear you. And you break my heart. Though you won't believe it, you are not alone. You are NEVER alone. You can choose to decieve yourself but that doesn't make it so. We are never alone. He is always there. And I also want you to know...

As long as I have breath. As long as my mind reaches out. As long as God lets me live. I am here. I hear you. Do you hear me?

Darkness

In the cool quiet darkness I find peace. I do not hide in it, but I do welcome the darkness and the absence of blinding lights. So many people equate darkness with evil but I embrace it. If there was no darkness the light would mean nothing. I am thankful for the times I rest in darkness, when I renew my spirit. And I know I am never alone even when totally surrounded by darkness. Though I may not see it, the light is always there. And when I need it, that light shines, and leads me out of the darkness back into the sunlight.

Communion

Whisperings of affinity plead with me, sweet words soothe my soul. Effortlessly they quiet the demons in my mind if only for a while. When connected one to one with open hearts, I draw focus on more than myself. I become more than what I am, sitting quietly with you. The whole becomes greater than all the broken parts. Hearts beating one to one... you commune with me. You say everything by saying nothing at all.

I am enough!

Feeling Meh but...Instead of feeling sorry for myself I am going to count my blessings.

There are the obvious good things:

God who loves me unconditionally and without end.

My two amazing beautiful talented and extremely intelligent children.

My wonderful loving and supportive family.
...
My cherished and strengthening circle of friends.

My chosen family, who need no blood ties to be bonded to me.

The fact that my basic needs and some wants are more than taken care of.

The gifts God granted me, my voice, my words, my intuition, and my heart. I love to share them with those I love.

But I am thankful for the not so obvious things as well:

Every tear I have cried. God has watched each of them fall and knows the reason for each one.

Every person who ever ignored me and made me feel little more than a toy on a shelf. It reminds me to be careful not to do the same to those who are in my life.

Every person who ever betrayed my trust or made me doubt the good in people. It forced me to look harder for the good in everyone.

Every person who has lied to me. It makes truth and honesty that much more precious.

Every person who took what I freely gave them as if they were entitled to it. It made me want to show my gratitude more when others have given to me.

Every person that harmed me physically or forced me to do things against my will. You have given me a story to share with those who have experienced the same and have given me the will and stubbornness to not let you defeat me.

I am thankful I am not perfect because then I would have no need for God or anyone else in my life. I am thankful to be horrendously and completely messed up. I have done horrible things but thankfully that doesn't automatically make me a horrible person. I am just a flawed person who makes many many many mistakes. If you could see my heart you would understand how deeply I regret when I wrong others and how deeply I love those dear to me.

Last but not least I am thankful for the person I am. I am thankful for the body, mind, heart and soul that make me who I am. I will fail but I can begin again. I will hurt others and myself but I can be forgiven. As long as I move forward I have won. As long as I learn and continue to grow then I am worth it. I just have to keep saying that a few million more times until it saturates my essence and invades that block head of mine.

I am at peace. I am content. I am enough.

LOTS OF POTS

In Bible study today the guy told a story about two groups of people taking a pottery class. One group was assigned with the task of creating one perfect pot. The other group was assigned with the task of making 50 pots, no mention of how good the pots should be.

Now which group do you think produced the best pot?

As it turned out the group... that had the task of making 50 pots produced the best pot. Why do you suppose that is?

When you only have one shot, you can't relax, be creative, or allow yourself to make a mistake. You can't try again. You just get one shot. The people who got to make 50 pots could learn from their mistakes. This pot stinks? eh.. let's try it this way! How about trying it this way? No? Let's do this! No worry no stress... just try again.

I have been living my life like I only have one shot. I can't learn from my mistakes if I never make them. I have let the fear of making a choice that ruins my whole life or the life of my son paralyze me. I have to learn to grow. And to learn, I have to screw up. So I am no longer working towards making the perfect pot. Instead I am going to make lots and lots and lots of pots.