Tired

So there's a picture I saw.. has the dos equis(sp) dude on it... and it says this:


I don't always fall in love but when I do... I do it with a completely wrong person and then fuck up my life a good deal because I am obviously retarded.  I don't like the word retarded so I replace it with... I am obviously a moron.   Then it's pretty accurate for me.

I always choose the one person who I will never be good enough for.  And then I do everything I possibly can to drive them far away from me.  And then if that doesn't work...  I find something to get mad about... blow it out of proportion and walk away.  A very fucked up form of protection.

Getting perilously close to the walking away stage.  Not that the person even knows...  they don't even notice I am alive unless I am right in front of their faces waving "look at me look at me!"
My arms are tired.  And my heart is tired.  I wish I could give it a rest. 

VALUE

We all want to feel significant. We all want to feel important. The problem is we too often look in the wrong places for that validation. I too often hang my self worth on the opinion of one person. And that one person... never values me like I want them to. So I feel like a completely unwanted loser because ONE person doesn't think I'm great. And I ignore all the people who tell me and show... me on a daily basis that they love me and value me more than anything. How crazy is that?

I made a commitment to value myself more. To value what God made. This week it has been totally put to the test. And guess what. I failed. I let Satan beat me with baggage from the past. I let him tell me that someone I care about saw me differently because of my past, saw me as tainted. And I honestly don't know even now if they do or not. But it doesn't matter. God doesn't see me that way.

What he tells me, over and over is that I am precious to him. I have a place and purpose. And he has a plan for me. I am significant. And I am important. And I am not giving up on my commitment. I will learn to value myself.

Thank you my friends and family who show me daily I am loved. I am valued. I am enough. I love you all. More than I could ever tell you.

True Friend

Nobody always acts the way you want them to. Everyone hurts you somehow. We've all acted in a way we wished we hadn't. You just have to decide who is worth it. Who do you want to be associated with even after they've just been human and hurt you?

Not everyone that calls you friend is one. Not everyone that says they love you does. It's a well used phrase but it IS true... Actions speak lou...der than words. I am thankful for a friend this afternoon that SHOWED me he was one. And he even helped me have compassion for a person who hurt me.

The good news is there are people who are worth it. There are people, that while they may hurt you, are still worth your love and affection. It's not always clear which is which. That's when you have to convince your heart and brain to work together and discern the truth. Don't just swallow pretty lies. And don't condemn actions without taking into account we are all human. We all fall short. Daily!

Dig deep and find your true friends. And keep them for life!

Frustration

Nothing wears down a soul like frustration. Longing for something and feeling like there's nothing you can do to obtain it. Patience will only get you so far. Faith, just a wee bit farther. But sometimes you've depleted all of that and you just feel... frustrated... angry... maybe a little bitter.

What I am trying to do in my own current frustrated situation is to remember the promises of my Creator. To remember everything happens in his good time. To remember He never gave up on me and he had every reason to. I have no reason to give up on God or disbelieve his word. He has always done what he said he would do.

I can't change my circumstances but I can change my attitude!

Do you hear me?

To the voice crying alone in the night. I know not where you come from. But I hear you. And you break my heart. Though you won't believe it, you are not alone. You are NEVER alone. You can choose to decieve yourself but that doesn't make it so. We are never alone. He is always there. And I also want you to know...

As long as I have breath. As long as my mind reaches out. As long as God lets me live. I am here. I hear you. Do you hear me?

Darkness

In the cool quiet darkness I find peace. I do not hide in it, but I do welcome the darkness and the absence of blinding lights. So many people equate darkness with evil but I embrace it. If there was no darkness the light would mean nothing. I am thankful for the times I rest in darkness, when I renew my spirit. And I know I am never alone even when totally surrounded by darkness. Though I may not see it, the light is always there. And when I need it, that light shines, and leads me out of the darkness back into the sunlight.

Communion

Whisperings of affinity plead with me, sweet words soothe my soul. Effortlessly they quiet the demons in my mind if only for a while. When connected one to one with open hearts, I draw focus on more than myself. I become more than what I am, sitting quietly with you. The whole becomes greater than all the broken parts. Hearts beating one to one... you commune with me. You say everything by saying nothing at all.